chapter 121 : a picnic for 2 princesses

sorry for the blurry picture.  this was the girls and my lunch today.  it was the perfect picnic for my 2 little princesses.  we ate it on our patio on the "little" table.  the sharp cheddar was especially delicious as were the strawberries and pepper.  the hummus was unfortunately a sad disappointment due to me not realizing that is was bad before trying to put it with our spread.

after another appointment with my beloved new naturopath, Dr. Vivian (who i once accidentally called another doctor's name...that's another story), i'm really feeling the URGENCY for change.  of course my "natural woman" is not really up for the challenge, but for the sake of my health, my weight and most importantly for my family to get into better habits for life-long change, i have slowly made some HUGE changes to our diet and my overall life.  here's the run-down for the new way to live or attempt anyway :

* remembering that i do so much better on a rigorous schedule : bed by 10:30 (dang Olympics), eating less sugar, drinking more water, working out staying spiritually in tune/trying to stay spiritually in tune, living and love the moment for what it is

* life is choices and each one either leads to a better, more happy life or it doesn't.  i can either eat good for the right reasons or enjoy that Oreo blizzard and regret it afterward, etc.  i can either spend money on ________ or i can't not seek for riches and material possessions that really don't matter anyway.  if a flood came and i saw my big screen bobbing up and down in the water and floating by me, would i be grateful that i spent my money on it or wish that i had put it into food storage instead?  everything is choices!

* it feels good to let go, simplify and not hoard things, past experiences (negative) and to just try to live a "cleaner" life.

* stop being so idle!  not turning on/relying on the TV during the day.  the girls do so much better, listen better and i think they don't break down as much during the day.  i'm reconvinced of my feelings from the past...TV really is not a good thing, especially for small children. 

* trying to do better at cleaning and keeping up on my house.  trying to do more service along the way instead of wasting time.

* remembering : i am truly blessed!

 

some major food changes we've recently made are :

* beef hamburger : ground turkey...so YUMMY!

* peanut butter : almond butter (mr. clean won't give up the Jiff though)

* vanilla/fruit yogurt : plain yogurt

* cow's milk : oat/soy/rice milk and some cow's milk, don't really want all of those scary rGBH's

* sugar and processed foods : lots of fruits and veggies

* juice : water

* adding in lots of supplements for myself and the girls (mr. clean's not quite convinced of this new regiment yet).  for the girls, just cod liver oil/dha's, but for me...fish oil, vitamin d, GAMA, vitamin B complex, thyroid support, L-Tryptophan, fiber, yummy rice protein and energy extract as needed.

* also trying to not eat later at night and wanting to start getting back into dance at least twice a week too.  it's really my only way to motivate myself to keep working out.

 

so for now, all of this is going well and really doesn't feel overwhelmed.  i'm sure we will be spending more $ on food as we are eating lots more fresh produce, but i really believe that it will all be worth it as i hope my girls will grow up learning to love healthy food, not craving unhealthy stuff and will avoid a lot of the autoimmune/health issues that run in my family.  for them to be well-balanced, happy people in all areas of their life would is one of the greatest things i want for my children.  so i'm really hoping this is a great start...

yours truly.

chapter 120 : a sad farewell...

due to many reasons, but especially mr. clean's allergies, we had to sell Ruby.  after my little bug asked, "where's my pup-pup?  where's Ruby?"  i didn't get emotional and am still holding up fine, but i'm really going to miss her...she was like my 3rd child.

i can't make mr. clean not be able to breathe well in his own home or feel stressed by how much she is costing, so it's worth the sacrifice even though it's really hard.

i'm really learning how i always think i need to fill up my life with stuff to be happy instead of making decisions of minimalism which will help me and i will like most in the long run.  it was a very expensive learning experience though as i barely got half of our $ back for her, but i think the girl that bought her will be great to her and give her a good life.

so long my sweet little Ruby.  i will miss you...i already do.

yours truly.

chapter 119 : if this is real...

then it's truly a MIRACLE.  i'm still not sure if i believe it, but since i know for sure that Gladys Knight is a member, then i think there's a chance.  also, what an AMAZING missionary if so.  Just goes to show we should never judge whether we think someone might be interested in the Gospel or not.

go here and tell me what you think...

yours truly.

chapter 118 : grrrrr...i don't even know what to say

sometimes life sucks. yesterday and today have been exactly that for me : sucky!

i'm tired of there always being a "problem" in my life. i'm tired of never being happy. i'm tired of my life being the way it is. i'm tired of always seeking approval from sources that really don't matter. i'm tired of my mind lying to me. i'm tired of doubting myself and i'm tired of how extreme everything is in my life.

EVERYTHING is ALWAYS a BIG deal and i'm soso, so TIRED of it!

i feel so bad for mr. clean and my girls to have to live with me. i'm so over-the-top...too much...nazi-ish all the time. i'm sick of it.

i sincerely want to change, but i'm at a loss right now. i feel like if i could really SIMPLIFY my life then things would get better, but of course i lack the motivation to start doing that.

hoping things look up later today and the sun comes back too...

yours truly.

chapter 117 : it's double true

i'm a blogging LOSER! no posting in over a month. lucky you! lots of things have been going on lately and will have to try and catch up sometime. lacking motivation once again, but we'll see what i start doing more of now.

been LOVING the SUNSHINE and i try to leave my house as often as possible. been trying to go to bed at the latest by 10:30. totally not tonight! been doing better at spending less overall. works best if i don't have possession of my little, blue friend, mr. Chase Visa. been feeling socially inept...what's new! been eating too much and working out WAY too little. been loving taking pictures and aching for an 85mm/1.8 lens. been trying to be more grateful, enjoying each moment and trying to YELL less. been LOVING my family and checking one more HUGE one off my list...we "adopted!" and since i am totally the type of friend that everyone has that is always complaining about $, but always spends anyway, i've been totally relishing in this :

without further ado...mr. clean finally agreed/gave into me/felt sorry that cosemtology school didn't work/is more worried about her than i am most of the time/loves me so much...

i present Miss

isn't she so stinking adorable???

cleaning up lots of this (ok, not relishing in this...) :

wasting time on (only some of the culprits) :
* the Bachelorette finale. poor Jason...my home town boy lost!
* playing zone games. got my free online Catan subscription again...oh no!
* finally reading my scriptures again and trying to do those "small" things of "great" importance.

overcoming :
* my almost entrance into cosmetology school. the direct inspiration that i can NEVER deny said, "NO! Now is not time. Maybe it will never be time. You NEED to have more faith."

i was so grateful! in that moment, i was LOVED and i knew it. although i really didn't deserve it, i received it and that was more than i could have asked for.
(Thank YOU for keeping your promises and always giving when i ask!)

more posts to come sometime in the future (distant or far).

peace out.

yours truly.

chapter 116 : oh blessed sunshine. how i adore you...

honestly, sunday was a hard day for me. father's day! let's just say that i am so grateful for my mr. clean who is such a good Daddy. my girls are so blessed to have him.
i'm still not over some issues in my past and sometimes they haunt me on a daily basis. i'm not sure if i will ever be over them. at this point, i can't imagine releasing that hurt and filling it up with something else. it just doesn't seem fathomable to me at this stage in my life. so like i learned to do so well in the past, i will just keep acting like nothing is going on because the people has to do with, don't care anyway. who i am and what i do doesn't really matter to them and i don't know if i'll ever understand that. to be ok with that makes me feel like i've lost hope or something.
after my last post though, i feel like i MUST head back to a more positive direction. i just want to share how grateful i am to a most kind and loving Heavenly Father who is ALWAYS so mindful of me and my little family. i am so thankful that mr. clean and i have ALWAYS been so BLESSED financially...not that we're wealthy to most around us, but compared to many in the world, i know we are. unfortunately though i know that i take it for granted and so i am so thankful when i see the ways which His hand intercedes and helps guide us so we are taken care of. paying tithing and fast offerings truly protect and bless lives.
i am also so grateful for the health of my family. even though mr. clean has chronic back pain and does more than he should to help me without hardly any complaint, we have been so blessed. both of our girls have had basically no major sicknesses or problems their entire pregnancies and lives and i truly hope that they will always stay this way and always stay safe. unfortunately today, my new doctor called and told me that my blood tests show that i have Hashimoto's thyroiditis (like Hypothyroidism). if this is truly the case, then it potentially could explain a lot about what i have experienced for a long time. it is an autoimmune disease and among different ways to treat it are taking medication for the rest of my life. my heart was heavy this afternoon as i wasted my time watching tv and eating to comfort myself.
i don't even think i'm going to tell certain "important" people in my life though. i don't think they care enough about me that i don't want their sympathy in this regard. we'll see though. i'll probably end up telling them in hopes that they will truly care about me, but in the end i will probably just be let down again, saddened by their lack of true concern and love for me.

anyways...i'm truly am so grateful for the many ways i have been blessed in my life and pray that most of all, my children will be safe, happy and taught to stay close to their Heavenly Father.

yours truly.

p.s. we got more emergency food items for our 72 hour kits today. i'm so excited because it's one less thing for me to have to worry about...

chapter 115 : at least i've got Wilson or maybe i can find one this summer at a yard sale anyway...

i am overwhelmed!

from the outrageous price of gas and food to the constant weight of knowing i need to get my family food storage and emergency essentials together. then there is the constant dismal weather that keeps gracing my days (thankfully we saw the sun this afternoon!). it's all feeling TOO MUCH!
i SO need a vacation, but could never justify the money it would cost when there are so many other things we need to get "just in case." all of the pressure i feel makes me end up wanting to do nothing, sleep too much and not answer my phone. shoot...you got to know it's bad when i stopped keeping up with the blogging world in Google Reader or checking Freecycle for the unwanted items i can drive mr. clean crazy with by cluttering my home even more. in fact i feel a need to get rid of things...something must really be going on.
then i think of what it was like growing up with a bi-polar Dad and cringe and feel defeated because i yelled at my girls too much today (i can hardly believe with my past that i even yell at my sweet babies at all)! i NEVER want to be like the two "fathers" i had and yet it's almost like i'm destined for it.
i haven't cried yet, but feel like i'm on the verge sometimes throughout the day. i'm going to give myself credit for the "sort of" clean that i did in my house today. it was my attempt to overlook the couple of hours of tv i watched in the afternoon and the QUALITY attention that i FAILED to give my precious girls. i was a BAD Mom today for sure.
i'm so lacking in motivation and can't bring myself to be excited about even finishing my giveaway projects. sorry recipients...pray for sunshine!

hoping tomorrow is better and that i don't feel like i'm stranded on a deserted island...

yours truly.

chapter 114 : slice n' dice to save our lives...

recently after another trip to Target for things we "need" and in order to save us financially, mr. clean did the following to my credit card...
he totally didn't do this behind my back, to be mean and/or abusive or out of anger, (he is so NOT any of those things) he did it because he loves me and to help our family. i honestly know that i NEEDED to do it for so long, but was holding onto how spending makes me feel...exhilarated then depressed. beside food, it has become my way to deal with stress which of course only creates more stress and i think its even harder because i rarely spend much on myself.

now we are trying to do better with only spending cash, not using the car so often and really living with our means. i know it's a good idea to listen to the Prophet and other church leaders, but i think it's definitely time we start acting on it.

yours truly.

(picture from here)

chapter 113 : awful news...

mr. clean told me today that he heard that we aren't going to get sunshine in the Seattle area until like July 17th. i don't know if i'm going to make it without sunshine til then. it's killing me.

yours truly.

chapter 112 : no worries...

for all of you still waiting for your giveaway goodies, don't worry, i'm working on them and hope to have them out sometime soon...

thanks for you patience.

yours truly.